I need to. I feel I have so many things that need to change about me. For the better. Not that I think I'm a bad or terrible person (my kids might disagree at times... if they knew what that meant), but I feel I could improve in so many areas. And of course, I feel the need to share these thoughts with you.

I think my idea for writing this post came from the fact my daughter pulled my bookmark out of my daily Bible and I couldn't remember where I'd left off. So, I started scrolling through the topics and came across "self-image" and had this gut feeling it was where I needed to start. It was good. Very good. I know we all have things about our bodies that we don't like and would love to change, but I've really felt this way after having children. It doesn't help when your child runs up, grabs your belly in both hands and wiggles it around laughing and telling you it's funny. Now, before you jump on me, I know I don't have a big belly. I didn't say it was big, I said it was wiggly. It will never look the same again. I have see worse, but they also had multiples or 10 lb babies. I think you get my point. I'd love to be more confident about my body and not feel I need to hide it all the time. I want to be ok with the fact that I have to order my bras online b/c they don't sell them that small in the store. I want to accept that I have dark spots all over my face from sun damage. I want to love the wrinkles I have around my mouth and eyes when I smile and not think there's surely some cream out there to soften them a little.

The thing I want to improve on the most is my spiritual life. I used to be really good at having quiet times on a daily basis and made it to church every time it was open. I may be one of the rare ones, but I actually loved being in the youth group. I had fun on the trips and the Bible studies and helping with the childrens' activities. I even did ok at keeping up with this stuff in college. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect by any means and I made my share of mistakes, but I tried really hard. And I'm starting to wonder, did I do those because I felt I had to or because I wanted to? Ok, that doesn't sound good either. I DID want to, but was I really doing it for the right reason? Did I think that by doing the act that I was going to have a better day? I'm such a habit person that so often I do certain things because I'm so used to doing them, but forget why I'm really doing them.

Let me get to the point. Since having children my daily time with God has been nearly non-existent. And it kills me. The whole first year I'm just walking around in a daze and if I sat to read anything I'd fall asleep or space out or think about all the things that I keep forgetting to do and never take in anything I was reading. Moving every two years and having a newborn once getting to that new city, makes it very difficult to get out and find a church home. Especially if your husband isn't always able to join you and you know you are leaving again in two years and have to start the process all over again. I joined a few Bible studies, and they were good, but I just missed doing those things with my husband. (He misses these things too.) These are not excuses by any means. I know that. So, for Christmas I asked for a daily study Bible to help me get motivated again and it was great! At first. I am strange and love following directions for anything and everything, so I started with the first daily study and just kept going to the next one it suggested. Then the bookmark was pulled and I didn't know where to go. (Never was much of a free bird!) and actually skimmed through them to get to one I hadn't read yet. I was getting bored b/c I wasn't dealing with the topics it was discussing. Until today. The bookmark was removed again and I don't think I've ever been happier to lose my place. At the end of the study it had another verse to read and it was James 2 26, "If you claim to be religious but don't control your tongue, you are just fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless." Now it may be talking about something completely different than what I took it as, but it was just the kick I needed to get back in the game. Thank you God for curious children!!

So, there. I've said it. I want to be better at both of these. I want to be a better wife and mother too, but Sophie just woke up and I wouldn't be a very good mom if I just let her sit there and cry while I'm writing about being a better mom now would I? I'll leave you with my thoughts, however random they may seem, in hopes it will keep me more accountable.